So this is a blog that's a little different to my usual... it has words. And possibly the most awkward model I have ever had to work with - me. But its one that's rather close to my heart, so please bear with me...
Over the past little while, I have been challenged with the question, "What is your story?" As a Christian, it has Jesus at the centre of it but even that has a beginning to it. So here it is, My Story (which really should be called "Jesus' story in me").
I am one of the very fortunate ones who grew up in a Christian home; when I was 5 years old I prayed a simple prayer of childlike faith asking Jesus to come live in my heart and be my Savior. Since then, He's pretty much always been "there"; I don't really remember a time in my life when He wasn't my Everything - my Lord, Savior, King, Redeemer, Refuge in times of trouble, Source of strength, the Lover of my Soul and well, my best friend. The dynamic and depth of our relationship has changed over the years, but He has always remained constant; faithful.
Let me get this straight: I am by no means perfect, not even close. Its just, where other people faced sins openly, dealing with external stuff like ungodly relationships or addictions, I was hiding behind a Christian facade, struggling with more internal sins - pride, fear, a warped sense of self-worth (vanity with a twist). Safe from the public eye, my heart and mind have been battlefields. There have been numerous times in my life when I had wished that I could have blatant external sins to deal with because it seemed easier than having to overcome my own fears - the worst of them all being a fear of vulnerability. For many, many years I hid behind a "performance spirit", playing the role of good little Christian girl with no problems, while I hid the mess that was inside. I battled a need to earn acceptance, desperately needed affirmation that I was "okay" and struggled with self-image issues. While many people with "wow testimonies" can speak of radical transformations, mine has been a gradual Dying to Self... realizing that in letting go, I wasn't losing my identity, but rather finding it renewed and restored in Jesus. In Him, I am Free.
Jesus didn't die on a cross so that I could be the best version of myself - or whatever it is we're told to become by motivational speakers, self-help gurus and memes on social media - He laid down His life so that I could find new, eternal life in Him. Its taken me many years of facing issues, overcoming temptations, confronting insecurities and simply learning to conquer the challenges set before me to finally get that its all really about Him; I am not at the centre of it all. I could spend hours telling you about the crazy adventures He has taken me on, the ridiculously scary steps of faith He has asked me to take, the tears I've cried in surrendering what I thought was so precious and such a sacrifice, only to find He knew better all along... but my story isn't even about those details, its all been for the same purpose: that I should live for His glory.
"For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith, not by works so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
There is nothing about me that is exceptional, but I love an Exceptional God who does not love as the world does. He calls us out from our sinful selves into His holy self - and that incredible exchange is so far beyond our own capabilities that we can only boast in His grace. And Praise Jesus for God's merciful goodness! I don't deserve any of it in my own doing.
Has it been easy? By no means! I struggle every day in the smallest, most trivial of things to get past my Silly Human Girl self and choose the path that honours God. Do I always get it right? Definitely not. But I persist, despite my frailties because I know that He is worth it. Where I have be proven unfaithful, He remains faithful; where I have been slow to love, He simply is love; where I get lost in my sinful nature, He draws me back to His righteousness, where I am quick to judge and criticize, He is merciful and gracious; where I am slow to understand and submit to His ways, He is patient and compassionate. He is good.
Yes, I have hopes, dreams and expectations for my life - but none of it really compares to the Hope that I have in Jesus Christ. Unless He is at the centre of everything I do, it doesn't quite make sense. I live to build His Kingdom, not my own. His plans for my life far exceed anything I could possibly dream up anyway. His adventures are always so much more exciting than any that I try to create on my own. When I was a child, I asked God that my life, work and relationships be extra-ordinary: I wanted everything to be submersed in His Purposes. I wanted His fingerprints on every aspect of my life. I still do.
Even stepping into photography has been a matter of faith: my heart's cry is that God will be glorified in the images I take; that I would capture something of the essence of each person I photograph, knowing that God knows them intimately and loves them abundantly. I choose to celebrate the Beauty that God has created, despite the fears and hurts of the world around us.
I choose to live for Him, for His glory and His Kingdom.
